I remember almost 3 years ago well. I was happy to be alive. My health was improving, and I was ready to get a job, any job, and start cranking my way back into a happy and productive life. I felt full of hope and joy at how much time there was in every day. Time to take in sunshine. Time to learn, grow, and love. I had some short term goals for myself, and was meeting them. My inner demons were vanquished, and I could see a path to regaining my wife's love and respect.
Despite her continual denial of such, Deborah (the aforementioned wife) does appreciate the extra money from me working, and does lack respect for me when I am not. Words are one thing, actions tell any person's real story. I have been judged for my actions many times, so I will respond in kind. I do not mean this as an attack or as a negative towards my wife. Quite far from it. It is in my own principles that a man should always provide as best he can for his family. She agrees in by virtue of her actions, and I can't hold my own priciples against her.
With these facts and principles in mind I set about learning and doing what I needed to get back to work. The results are as follows:
Education- found it hard to learn, but got on ADD medication I needed (concerta), and did a semester at University of Louisville. I did well enough (English, Physics, Hiking), and got good marks. I ran out of money for tuition, and had to stop. My attempts at self-study of my Cisco stuff failed when I ran out of money for concerta. I also was still sleeping 12 hours per day.
Health - I was pretty frail, and weak. I got back in shape, and was able to run a few miles a week. I then got a blood clot in the largest blood vessel in the groin. This took a while to resolve, and similar clotting is requiring me to take blood thinners to this day. I have overall improved my health, and with some diet and exercise changes, it looks pretty darned great.
Work - FAIL. Just fail. I have gotten some short term contract work, 1 to 3 months, and some work for my own business clients with small networks (Cisco Aironet, DSL, Cable, Windows XP/Win 7), but I am not learning anything new, and not making any real money. Perhaps HR departments are quietly catching wind of my "chronic" illness, and are passing on me, much as they used to do to Diabetics..... Maybe I just suck, but my customers still call back. They don't call often, and I seem to be educating them past needing me.
Emotional - This one is easy. I am distant from everyone by their choice (I used to somewhat keep a people at a distance becuase I didn't want to care about them), and I lack a job. I could be depressed, but I am not, as my analysis of the state of my mind tells me that I am unemployed/underemployed, have no real developed social life (see unemployed), and I have legitimate distance from my spouse that only time (and a job that I keep for more than a year....) can fix. I am a problem solver. I have numerous problems. The bulk of them seem to link to a lack of meaningful employment, and a recently found desire to have a PERMANENT job, with the same people in the same place every day. At the least, a relative safety net of employment through the same company long term, even if I move site to site.
I am not happy, but I am not depressed. I'm not sick, yet I am not well. I am in a holding pattern, waiting for something a break, because I no longer desire to go out and start a new business or work contracting forever. I have pushed for 3 and a half years. I want a job at a time when unemployment is at an unusual high. Sadly, every day that I stay statistically "unemployed" is just more fail on my resume'. I don't even know how to express "worked 5 days a month for individuals and small businesses fixing minor issues", and probably just look like "unemployed loser making things up".
I go out with my brother, It's always a treat when he brings people just over 1/2 my age from his work. Kids that think the network+ exam is something you study intensely for. Kids that just finish their internship, and will walk into a network job paying 40K + next year. Makes me all warm and fuzzy. Actually, that was sarcasm. What it makes me feel like is a has-been, game over, LOL, PHAIL. It's not a good feeling to have expectations lowered to help desk/desktop support when you are over 30. It's even worse when you haven't had an actual job in years, yet the recruiter feels you are over qualified, and/or will be unhappy and bail at the first job you see anywhere other than a help desk. So I sit at the table, looking at who I could have been, and getting my stomach knotted up over my decision to open a business instead of pursuing a career.
I see the happy people. They talk about loving yourself, and how you don't need anything material to be happy. They say money can't buy love. All of these things may be true for them. I suspect that since they have high paying jobs, wives that can afford breast implant, tummy tucks, etc, and they have houses worth more than my family GROSSES in 10 years, I get the sensation that I could be very similarly happy in that disconnected situation.
Take the above with a grain of sugar. GOD has granted me three fantastic, loving children, and a wife that I am not worthy of. Although I certainly do not feel good about myself, I do house cleaning like no other, and do all that I can to keep my loving relationship with my kids. I also ensure that purchases made by our household are those of longevity, and durability, with only few "luxury" items.
I do, of course, take note that there are many people out there suffering far worse than I have ever known. I even acknowledge that many are in their state through no ill action of their own. This doesn't lift me up, or bring me comfort in my own state. It only further drills home the fact that the wealthy few will never let go of even superfluous wealth to make life enjoyable for others.
All the above considered, it is my daily focus to love those close to me, and better myself in any way that I can. Being a productive part of a team within a company, and furthering it's goals would be nice. In the mean time, I guess I will keep reading, and make sure the dogs are fed, dishes done, PCs maintained, and always have some entertainment for the weekends.
A wise man once said, "Even the losers get lucky sometimes". Somebody e-mail Lady Luck, I think it's my turn.
